George S. Kaufman (1889 – 1961)
CHARACTERS
Ed
Bob
The Bellboy
A Fireman
Another Fireman
SCENE
A hotel bedroom.
VITAL NOTE: It is important that the entire play should be acted calmly and politely, in the manner of an English drawing-room comedy. No actor ever raises his voice; every line must be read as though it were an invitation to a cup of tea. If this direction is disregarded, the play has no point at allWhy do you think that Kaufman specifies this?. The Scene is a hotel bedroom. Two windows rear; door to the hall at the right, chair R.C. Bed between windows. 'Phone stand R., downstage end of bed. Dresser L.U. corner. Another door at left. Small table and chairs downstage L.C.
ED and BOB are on the stage. ED is getting into his overcoat as the curtain rises. Both are at R. door.
ED
Well, Bob, it's certainly been nice to see you again.
BOB
It was nice to see you.
ED
You come to town so seldom, I hardly ever get the chance to--
BOB
Well, you know how it is. A business trip is always more or less of a bore.
ED
Next time you've got to come out to the house.
BOB
I want to come out. I just had to stick around the hotel this trip.
ED
Oh, I understand. Well, give my best to Edith.
BOB (remembering something)
Oh, I say, Ed. Wait a minute.
ED
What's the matter?
BOB
I knew I wanted to show you something. (Crosses L. to table. Gets roll of blueprints from drawer). Did you know I'm going to build?
ED (follows to R. of table).
A house?
BOB
You bet it's a house! (Knock on R. door). Come in! (Spreads plans). I just got these yesterday.
ED (sits)
Well, that's fine! (The knock is repeated--louder. Both men now give full attention to the door.)
BOB
Come! Come in!
BELLBOY (enters R.)
Mr. Barclay?
BOB
Well?
BELLBOY
I've a message from the clerk, sir. For Mr. Barclay personally.
BOB (crosses to boy)
I'm Mr. Barclay. What is the message?
BELLBOY
The hotel is on fire, sir.
BOB
What's that?
BELLBOY
The hotel is on fire.
ED
This hotel?
BELLBOY
Yes, sir.
BOB
Well--is it bad?Why is no one more alarmed that the hotel is on fire?
BELLBOY
It looks pretty bad, sir.
ED
You mean it's going to burn down?
BELLBOY
We think so--yes, sir.
BOB (a low whistle of surprise)
Well! We'd better leave.
BELLBOY
Yes, sir.
BOB
Going to burn down, huh?
BELLBOY
Yes, sir. If you'll step to the window you'll see. (BOB goes to R. window.)
BOB
Yes, that is pretty bad. H'm. (To ED). I say, you really ought to see this--
"'Yes, that is pretty bad. H'm. I say, you really ought to see this…'"
It's reached the floor right underneath.
BELLBOY
Yes, sir. The lower part of the hotel is about gone, sir.
BOB (still looking out--looks up)
Still all right up above, though. (Turns to boy). Have they notified the Fire Department?
BELLBOY
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm only the bellboy.
BOB
Well, that's the thing to do, obviously--(Nods head to each one as if the previous line was a bright idea)--notify the Fire Department. Just call them up, give them the name of the hotel--
ED
Wait a minute. I can do better than that for you. (To the boy). Ring through to the Chief, and tell him that Ed Jamison told you to telephone him. (To BOB). We went to school together, you know.
BOB
That's fine. (To the boy). Now, get that right. Tell the Chief that Mr. Jamison said to ring him.
ED
Ed Jamison.
BOB
Yes, Ed Jamison.
BELLBOY
Yes, sir. (Turns to go.)
BOB
Oh! Boy! (Pulls out a handful of change; picks out a coin). Here you are.
BELLBOY
Thank you, sir. (Exit BELLBOY. ED sits R. of table, lights cigarette and throws match downstage, then steps on it. There is a moment's pause.)
BOB
Well! (Crosses and looks out L. window). Say, we'll have to get out of here pretty soon.
ED (going to window)
How is it--no better?
BOB
Worse, if anything. It'll be up here in a few moments.
ED
What floor is this?
BOB
Eleventh.
ED
Eleven. We couldn't jump, then.
BOB
Oh, no. You could never jump. (Comes away from window to dresser). Well, I've got to get my things together. (Pulls out suitcase.)
ED (smoothing out the plans)
Who made these for you?
BOB
A fellow here--Rawlins. (Turns a shirt in his hand). I ought to call one of the other hotels for a room.
ED
Oh, you can get in.
BOB
They're pretty crowded. (Feels something on the sole of his foot; inspects it). Say, the floor's getting hot.
ED
I know it. It's getting stuffy in the room, too. Phew! (He looks around, then goes to the 'phone). Hello.--Ice water in eleven-eighteen. (Crosses to R. of table.)
BOB (at bed)
That's the stuff. (Packs). You know, if I move to another hotel I'll never get my mail. Everybody thinks I'm stopping here.
ED (studying the plans)
Say, this isn't bad.
BOB (eagerly)
Do you like it? (Remembers his plight). Suppose I go to another hotel and there's a fire there, too!
ED
You've got to take some chance.
BOB
I know, but here I'm sure. ('Phone rings). Oh, answer that, will you, Ed? (To dresser and back.)
ED (crosses to 'phone)
Sure (at 'phone). Hello-- Oh, that's good. Fine, What?--Oh! Well, wait a minute. (To BOB). The firemen are downstairs and some of them want to come up to this room.Why is it ironic that the firefighters are asking to come upstairs?
BOB
Tell them, of course.
ED (at 'phone)
All right. Come right up. (Hangs up, crosses and sits R. of table). Now we'll get some action.
BOB (looks out of window L.)
Say, there's an awfulin this case, impressive or noteworthy crowd of people on the street.
ED (absently, as he pores over the plans)
Maybe there's been some kind of accident.
BOB (peering out, suitcase in hand)
No. More likely they heard about the fire. (A knock at the door R.). Come in.
BELLBOY (enters)
I beg pardon, Mr. Barclay, the firemen have arrived.
BOB
Show them in. (Crosses to R. The door opens. In the doorway appear two FIREMEN in full regaliaclothing particular to a specific job. The FIRST FIREMAN carries a hose and rubber coat; the SECOND has a violin case, R.C.)
FIRST FIREMAN (enters R. very apologetically)
Mr. Barclay.
BOB
I'm Mr. Barclay.
FIRST FIREMAN
We're the firemen, Mr. Barclay. (They remove their hats.)
BOB
How de do?
ED
How de do?
BOB
A great pleasure, I assure you. Really must apologize for the condition of this room, but--
FIRST FIREMAN
Oh, that's all right. I know how it is at home.
BOB
May I present a friend of mine, Mr. Ed Jamison--
FIRST FIREMAN
How are you?
ED
How are you, boys? (SECOND FIREMAN nods). I know your Chief.
FIRST FIREMAN
Oh, is that so? He knows the Chief--dear old Chiefie. (SECOND FIREMAN giggles.)
BOB (embarrassed)
Well, I guess you boys want to get to work, don't you?
FIRST FIREMAN
Well, if you don't mind. We would like to spray around a little bit.Why is this humorous?
BOB
May I help you?
FIRST FIREMAN
Yes, if you please. (BOB helps him into his rubber coat. At the same time the SECOND FIREMAN, without a word, lays the violin case on the bed, opens it, takes out the violin, and begins tuning it.)
BOB (watching him)
I don't think I understand.
FIRST FIREMAN
Well, you see, Sid doesn't get much chance to practice at home. Sometimes, at a fire, while we're waiting for a wall to fall or something, why, a fireman doesn't really have anything to do, and personally I like to see him improve himself symphonically. I hope you don't resent it. You're not anti-symphonic?
BOB
Of course not-- (BOB and ED nod understandingly; the SECOND FIREMAN is now waxing the bow.)
FIRST FIREMAN
Well, if you'll excuse me-- (To window R. Turns with decision toward the window. You feel that he is about to get down to business.)
BOB (crosses L.)
Charming personalities.
ED (follows over to the window R.)
How is the fire?
FIRST FIREMAN (feels the wall)
It's pretty bad right now. This wall will go pretty soon now, but it'll fall out that way, so it's all right. (Peers out). That next room is the place to fight it from. (Crosses to door L. BOB shows ties as ED crosses.)
ED (sees ties)
Oh! Aren't those gorgeous!
FIRST FIREMAN (to BOB)
Have you got the key for this room?
BOB
Why, no. I've got nothing to do with that room. I've just got this one. (Folding a shirt as he talks.)
ED
Oh, it's very comfortable.
FIRST FIREMAN
That's too bad, I had something up my sleeve. If I could have gotten in there. Oh, well, may I use your 'phone?
BOB
Please do. (To ED). Do you think you might hold this? (Indicates the hose.)
ED
How?
FIRST FIREMAN
Just crawl under it. (As he does that). Thanks. (At 'phone). Hello. Let me have the clerk, please. (To SECOND FIREMAN). Give us that little thing you played the night the Equitable Building burned down. (Back to 'phone). Are you there? This is one of the fireman. Oh, you know. I'm in a room--ah-- (Looks at BOB.)
BOB
Eleven-eighteen.
FIRST FIREMAN
Eleven-eighteen, and I want to get into the next room--Oh, goody. Will you send someone up with the key? There's no one in there? Oh, super-goody! Right away. (Hangs up.)
BOB
That's fine. (To FIREMAN). Won't you sit down?
FIRST FIREMAN
Thanks.
ED
Have a cigar?
FIRST FIREMAN (takes it)
Much obliged.
BOB
A light?
FIRST FIREMAN
If you please.
ED (failing to find a match)
Bob, have you a match?Why is this humorous?
BOB (crosses to L.C.)
I thought there were some here. (Hands in pockets.)
FIRST FOREMAN
Oh, never mind. (He goes to R. window, leans out, and emerges with cigar lighted. BOB crosses L. to dresser; slams drawer. The SECOND FIREMAN taps violin with bow.)
FIRST FIREMAN
Mr. Barclay, I think he's ready now.
BOB (takes chair from R. table and sits C.)
Pardon me. (They all sit. The SECOND FIREMAN takes center of stage, with all the manner of a concert violinist. He goes into "Keep the Home Fires Burning."Why is this ironic? BOB, ED and FIRST FIREMAN wipe brow as curtain falls slowly.)