Lesson 22 Readings

	The Life and Adventures of Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
	In this excerpt, Robinson Crusoe explains how he decided to leave his home against the wishes of his parents. Editor's Note: Paragraph breaks have been added for clarity and ease of reading.
	I was born in the year 1632, in the city of York, of a good family, though not of that country, my father being a foreigner of Bremen, who settled first at Hull: he got a good estate by merchandise, and leaving off his trade, lived afterwards at York, from whence he had married my mother, whose relations were named Robinson, a very good family in that country, and from whom I was called Robinson Kreutznaer; but by the usual corruption of words in England, we are now called, nay we call ourselves, and write our name Crusoe, and so my companions always called me.
	I had two elder brothers, one of which was lieutenant-colonel to an English regiment of foot in Flanders, formerly commanded by the famous Colonel Lockhart, and was killed at the battle near Dunkirk against the Spaniards. What became of my second brother I never knew, any more than my father or mother did know what was become of me.
	Being the third son of the family, and not bred to any trade, my head began to be filled very early with rambling thoughts: my father, who was very ancient, had given me a competent share of learning, as far as house education and a country free-school generally go, and designed me for the law; but I would be satisfied with nothing but going to sea; and my inclination to this led me so strongly against the will, nay the commands of my father, and against all the entreaties and persuasions of my mother and other friends, that there seemed to be something fatal in that propension of nature tending directly to the life of misery which was to befall me.¹		Crusoe is not a member of the aristocracy. He claims to have had a "house education." His parents hoped he would become a lawyer. ¹ Crusoe sees his fate as inevitable.
	My father, a wise and grave man, gave me serious and excellent counsel against what he foresaw was my design. He called me one morning into his chamber, where he was confined by the gout², and expostulated very warmly with me upon this subject: he asked me what reasons more than a mere wandering inclination I had for leaving my father's house and my native country, where I might be well introduced, and had a prospect of raising my fortune by application and industry, with a life of ease and pleasure. He told me it was for men of desperate fortunes on one hand, or of aspiring superior fortunes on the other, who went abroad upon adventures, to rise by enterprise, and make themselves famous in undertakings of a nature out of the common road; that these things were all either too far above me, or too far below me; that mine was the middle state, or what might be called the upper station of low life, which he had found by long experience was the best state in the world, the most suited to human happiness, not exposed to the miseries and hardships, the labour and sufferings of the mechanic part of mankind, and not embarrassed with the pride, luxury, ambition, and envy of the upper part of mankind, he told me, I might judge of the happiness of this state by this one thing, viz.³ that this was the state of life which all other people envied; that kings have frequently lamented the miserable consequences of being born to great things, and wish they had been placed in the middle of the two extremes, between the mean and the great; that the wise man gave his testimony to this as the just standard of true felicity, when he prayed to have neither poverty nor riches....		² an inflammatory disease that affects the skin and joints The fact that Crusoe's father has such high hopes for his son's career reflects the changing social structures of the day. ³ namely, specifically; viz. (from the Latin videlicet) is used to introduce examples or details Crusoe's father praises life in the middle class.
	After this, he pressed me earnestly, and in the most affectionate manner, not to play the young man, not to precipitate myself into miseries which nature and the station of life I was born in seemed to have provided against; that I was under no necessity of seeking my bread; that he would do well for me, and endeavour to enter me fairly into the station of life which he had been just recommending to me; and that if I was not very easy and happy in the world, it must be my mere fate or fault that must hinder it, and that he should have nothing to answer for, having thus discharged his duty in warning me against measures which he knew would be to my hurt: in a word, that as he would do very kind things for me if I would stay and settle at home as he directed, so he would not have so much hand in my misfortunes, as to give me any encouragement to go away: and to close all, he told me I had my elder brother for an example, to whom he had used the same earnest persuasions to keep him from going into the Low Country wars, but could not prevail, his young desires prompting him to run into the army, where he was killed; and though he said he would not cease to pray for me, yet he would venture to say to me, that if I did take this foolish step, God would not bless me, and I would have leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected his counsel when there might be none to assist in my recovery.		Crusoe's father does not want to lose his remaining son.
	I observed in this last part of his discourse, which was truly prophetic, though I suppose my father did not know it to be so himself; I say, I observed the tears run down his face very plentifully, and especially when he spoke of my brother who was killed; and that when he spoke of my having leisure to repent, and none to assist me, he was so moved, that he broke off the discourse, and told me, his heart was so full he could say no more to me.
	I was sincerely affected with this discourse, as indeed who could be otherwise? and I resolved not to think of going abroad any more, but to settle at home according to my father's desire. But, alas! a few days wore it all off; and in short, to prevent any of my father's farther importunities, in a few weeks after I resolved to run quite away from him. However, I did not act so hastily neither as my first heat of resolution prompted, but I took my mother, at a time when I thought her a little pleasanter than ordinary, and told her, that my thoughts were so entirely bent upon seeing the world, that I should never settle to any thing with resolution enough to go through with it, and my father had better give me his consent than force me to go without it; that I was now eighteen years old, which was too late to go apprentice to a trade, or clerk to an attorney; that I was sure, if I did, I should never serve out my time, and I should certainly run away from my master before my time was out, and go to sea; and if she would speak to my father to let me go one voyage abroad, if I came home again, and did not like it, I would go no more, and I would promise by a double diligence to recover that time I had lost.
	This put my mother into a great passion: she told me, she knew it would be to no purpose to speak to my father upon any such subject; that he knew too well what was my interest to give his consent to any such thing do much for my hurt; and that she wondered how I could think of any such thing after such a discourse as I had had with my father, and such kind and tender expressions as she knew my father had used to me; and that, in short, if I would ruin myself, there was no help for me; but I might depend I should never have their consent to it: that for her part she would not have so much hand in my destruction; and I should never have it to say, that my mother was willing when my father was not.
	Though my mother refused to move it to my father, yet, as I have heard afterwards, she reported all the discourse to him, and that my father, after showing a great concern at it, said to her with a sigh, "That boy might be happy if he would stay at home; but if he goes abroad, he will be the most miserable wretch that was ever born; I can give no consent to it."
	It was not till almost a year after this that I broke loose, though, in the meantime, I continued obstinately deaf to all proposals of settling to business, and frequently expostulating with my father and mother about their being so positively determined against what they knew my inclinations prompted me to. But being one day at Hull, where I went casually, and without any purpose of making an elopement that time; but I say, being there, and one of my companions being going by sea to London, in his father's ship, and prompting me to go with them, with the common allurement of seafaring men, viz. that it should cost me nothing for my passage, I consulted neither father or mother any more, not so much as sent them word of it; but leaving them to hear of it as they might, without asking God's blessing, or my father's, without any consideration of circumstances or consequences, and in an ill hour, God knows, on the first of September, 1651, I went on board a ship bound for London.
	Never any young adventurer's misfortunes, I believe, began sooner, or continued longer than mine. The ship was no sooner gotten out of the Humber, but the wind began to blow, and the waves to rise in a most frightful manner; and, as I had never been at sea before, I was most inexpressibly sick in body, and terrified in mind. I began now seriously to reflect upon what I had done, and how justly I was overtaken by the judgment of Heaven for my wicked leaving my father's house, and abandoning my duty; all the good counsel of my parents, my father's tears and my mother's entreaties, came now fresh into my mind; and my conscience, which was not yet come to the pitch of hardness to which it has been since, reproached me with the contempt of advice, and the breach of my duty to God and my father.		Crusoe begins to regret his decision to leave.
	All this while the storm increased, and the sea, which I had never been upon before, went very high, though nothing like what I have seen many times since; no, nor like what I saw a few days after: but it was enough to affect me then, who was but a young sailor, and had never known any thing of the matter. I expected every wave would have swallowed us up, and that every time the ship fell down, as I thought, in the trough or hollow of the sea, we should never rise more; and in this agony of mind I made many vows and resolutions, that if it would please God here to spare my life this one voyage, if ever I got once my foot upon dry land again I would go directly home to my father, and never set it into a ship again while I lived; that I would take his advice, and never run myself into such miseries as these any more. Now I saw plainly the goodness of his observations about the middle station of life, how easy, how comfortably he had lived all his days, and never had been exposed to tempests at sea, or troubles on shore; and I resolved that I would, like a true repenting prodigal⁴, go home to my father.		⁴ In the Bible, the Prodigal Son is welcomed home after a prolonged absence.
	These wise and sober thoughts continued all the while the storm continued, and indeed some time after; but the next day the wind was abated, and the sea calmer, and I began to be a little inured to it⁵: However, I was very grave for all that day, being also a little sea-sick still; but towards night the weather cleared up, the wind was quite over, and a charming fine evening followed; the sun went down perfectly clear, and rose so the next morning; and having little or no wind, and a smooth sea, the sun shining upon it, the sight was, as I thought, the most delightful that ever I saw.		⁵ adjusted, used to

	The Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope
	In the first canto of this poem, Pope sets the stage by calling the muses, typical of classical Greek epic. Another epic convention Pope follows is stating the theme in the beginning. He asks, "What strange motive...could compel / A well-bred lord to assault a gentle belle?" Canto II begins by describing the heroine Belinda, also with her protective sylph (a fairy-like creature) Ariel and his fellow guardians.
	Canto II Not with more glories, in th' etherial plain, The Sun first rises o'er the purpled main, Than, issuing forth, the rival of his beams Launch'd on the bosom of the silver Thames.
(5)	Fair Nymphs, and well-drest Youths around her shone. But ev'ry eye was fix'd on her alone. On her white breast a sparkling Cross she wore, Which Jews might kiss, and Infidels adore. Her lively looks a sprightly mind disclose,
(10)	Quick as her eyes, and as unfix'd as those: Favours to none, to all she smiles extends; Oft she rejects, but never once offends. Bright as the sun, her eyes the gazers strike, And, like the sun, they shine on all alike.	The poet describes Belinda's beauty.
(15)	Yet graceful ease, and sweetness void of pride, Might hide her faults, if Belles had faults to hide: If to her share some female errors fall, Look on her face, and you'll forget 'em all. This Nymph, to the destruction of mankind,
(20)	Nourished two Locks, which graceful hung behind In equal curls, and well conspired to deck With shining ringlets the smooth ivory neck. Love in these labyrinths his slaves detains, And mighty hearts are held in slender chains.
(25)	With hairy springes¹ we the birds betray, Slight lines of hair surprise the finny prey, Fair tresses man's imperial race ensnare, And beauty draws us with a single hair. The adventurous Baron the bright locks admired;	¹ snares, pronounced sprin-jez
(30)	He saw, he wished, and to the prize aspired. Resolved to win, he meditates the way, By force to ravish, or by fraud betray; For when success a Lover's toil attends, Few ask, if fraud or force attained his ends...

	Canto III
	Canto III includes a great "battle" scene involving a game of cards, and ends with a description of the actual rape of the lock.
	Close by those meads, for ever crowned with flowers, Where Thames with pride surveys his rising towers, There stands a structure of majestic frame, Which from the neighboring Hampton¹ takes its name.	¹ Belinda and others arrive at Hampton Court, the royal palace, about fifteen miles up the Thames river from London.
(5)	Here Britain's statesmen oft the fall foredoom Of foreign Tyrants and of Nymphs at home; Here thou, great Anna! whom three realms obey. Dost sometimes counsel take--and sometimes Tea. Hither the heroes and the nymphs resort,
(10)	To taste awhile the pleasures of a Court; In various talk the instructive hours they past, Who gave the ball, or paid the visit last; One speaks the glory of the British Queen, And one describes a charming Indian screen;
(15)	A third interprets motions, looks, and eyes; At every word a reputation dies. Snuff, or the fan, supply each pause of chat, With singing, laughing, ogling, and all that. Mean while, declining from the noon of day,	Pope describes the highly judgmental environment of the royal court.
(20)	The sun obliquely shoots his burning ray; The hungry Judges soon the sentence sign, And wretches hang that jury-men may dine; The merchant from the Exchange returns in peace, And the long labours of the Toilet cease.
(25)	Belinda now, whom thirst of fame invites, Burns to encounter two adventurous Knights, At Ombre² singly to decide their doom; And swells her breast with conquests yet to come. Straight the three bands prepare in arms to join,	Belinda sits down with the Baron and another gentleman to play cards. ² Ombre is a complicated card game in which players each have nine cards.
(30)	Each band the number of the sacred nine. Soon as she spreads her hand, the aerial guard Descend, and sit on each important card: First Ariel perched upon a Matadore, Then each, according to the rank they bore;	Belinda's protective sylphs watch over the game.
(35)	For Sylphs, yet mindful of their ancient race, Are, as when women, wondrous fond of place. Behold, four Kings in majesty revered, With hoary³ whiskers and a forky beard; And four fair Queens whose hands sustain a flower,	³ aged
(40)	The expressive emblem of their softer power; Four Knaves in garbs succinct, a trusty band, Caps on their heads, and halberts in their hand; And particoloured troops, a shining train, Draw forth to combat on the velvet plain.
(45)	The skilful Nymph reviews her force with care: Let Spades be trumps! she said, and trumps they were. Now move to war her sable Matadores, In show like leaders of the swarthy Moors. Spadillio first, unconquerable Lord!	In this stanza, Pope uses the language of battle and war to describe the card game.
(50)	Led off two captive trumps, and swept the board. As many more Manillio forced to yield, And marched a victor from the verdant field. Him Basto followed, but his fate more hard Gained but one trump and one Plebeian card.	Pope has carefully arranged Belinda's cards so that she should win, though the Baron's hand is strong enough to be a threat. Pope's description of the cards and the game is accurate.
(55)	With his broad sabre next, a chief in years, The hoary Majesty of Spades appears, Puts forth one manly leg, to sight revealed, The rest, his many-coloured robe concealed. The rebel Knave, who dares his prince engage,
(60)	Proves the just victim of his royal rage. Even mighty Pam⁴, that Kings and Queens overthrew And mowed down armies in the fights of Loo⁵, Sad chance of war! now destitute of aid, Falls undistinguished by the victor spade!	⁴ the knave of clubs, the highest trump in the game of Loo ⁵ another popular card game at court
(65)	Thus far both armies to Belinda yield; Now to the Baron fate inclines the field. His warlike Amazon her host invades, The imperial consort of the crown of Spades. The Club's black Tyrant first her victim died,
(70)	Spite of his haughty mien, and barborous pride: What boots the regal circle on his head, His giant limbs, in state unwieldy spread; That long behind he trails his pompous robe, And, of all monarchs, only grasps the globe⁶?	⁶ In the English deck of cards, only the king of clubs holds a globe.
(75)	The Baron now his Diamonds pours apace; The embroidered King who shows but half his face, And his refulgent Queen, with powers combined Of broken troops an easy conquest find. Clubs, Diamonds, Hearts, in wild disorder seen,
(80)	With throngs promiscuous strow the level green. Thus when dispersed a routed army runs, Of Asia's troops, and Afric's sable sons, With like confusion different nations fly, Of various habit, and of various dye,
(85)	The pierced battalions dis-united fall, In heaps on heaps; one fate o'erwhelms them all. The Knave of Diamonds tries his wily arts, And wins (oh shameful chance!) the Queen of Hearts. At this, the blood the virgin's cheek forsook,
(90)	A livid paleness spreads o'er all her look; She sees, and trembles at the approaching ill, Just in the jaws of ruin, and Codille⁷. And now (as oft in some distempered State) On one nice Trick depends the general fate.	Belinda starts to worry that she might lose the game. ⁷ a losing hand of cards
(95)	An Ace of Hearts steps forth: The King unseen Lurked in her hand, and mourned his captive Queen: He springs to Vengeance with an eager pace, And falls like thunder on the prostrate Ace. The nymph exulting fills with shouts the sky;
(100)	The walls, the woods, and long canals reply. Oh thoughtless mortals! ever blind to fate, Too soon dejected, and too soon elate. Sudden, these honours shall be snatched away, And cursed for ever this victorious day.
(105)	For lo! the board with cups and spoons is crowned, The berries crackle, and the mill turns round⁸; On shining Altars of Japan⁹ they raise The silver lamp; the fiery spirits blaze: From silver spouts the grateful liquors glide,	After the card game, the partiers have coffee and desert. ⁸ coffee is ground ⁹ This refers to small, fancy tables from Japan; "altars" implies the ritualistic aspect of drinking coffee and tea in Belinda's world.
(110)	While China's earth receives the smoking tide: At once they gratify their scent and taste, And frequent cups prolong the rich repast. Straight hover round the Fair her airy band; Some, as she sipped, the fuming liquor fanned,
(115)	Some o'er her lap their careful plumes displayed, Trembling, and conscious of the rich brocade. Coffee, (which makes the politician wise, And see thro' all things with his half-shut eyes) Sent up in vapours to the Baron's brain	The Baron begins to eye Belinda's beautiful locks.
(120)	New Stratagems, the radiant Lock to gain. Ah cease, rash youth! desist ere't is too late, Fear the just Gods, and think of Scylla's¹⁰ Fate! Changed to a bird, and sent to flit in air, She dearly pays for Nisus' injured hair!	¹⁰ In Greek mythology, Scylla was turned into a sea bird because she cut off a protective lock of her father's hair.
(125)	But when to mischief mortals bend their will, How soon they find fit instruments of ill! Just then, Clarissa drew with tempting grace A two-edged weapon from her shining case¹¹: So Ladies in Romance assist their Knight,	¹¹ Another woman at the party gives the Baron a pair of scissors.
(130)	Present the spear, and arm him for the fight. He takes the gift with reverence, and extends The little engine on his fingers' ends; This just behind Belinda's neck he spread, As o'er the fragrant steams she bends her head.
(135)	Swift to the Lock a thousand Sprites repair, A thousand wings, by turns, blow back the hair; And thrice they twitched the diamond in her ear; Thrice she looked back, and thrice the foe drew near. Just in that instant, anxious Ariel sought	The Baron tries three times to cut the lock, but he misses his chance because Belinda turns around.
(140)	The close recesses of the Virgin's thought; As on the nosegay in her breast reclined, He watched the Ideas rising in her mind, Sudden he viewed, in spite of all her art, An earthly Lover lurking at her heart.
(145)	Amazed, confused, he found his power expired, Resigned to fate, and with a sigh retired. The Peer now spreads the glittering Forfex¹² wide, To inclose the Lock; now joins it, to divide. Ev'n then, before the fatal engine closed,	¹² scissors
(150)	A wretched Sylph too fondly interposed; Fate urged the shears, and cut the Sylph in twain, (But airy substance soon unites again) The meeting points the sacred hair dissever From the fair head, for ever, and for ever!	Despite the efforts of Ariel and the other sylphs, the Baron is able to cut off a lock of Belinda's hair.
(155)	Then flashed the living lightning from her eyes, And screams of horror rend the affrighted skies. Not louder shrieks to pitying heaven are cast, When husbands, or when lapdogs breathe their last; Or when rich China vessels fallen from high,	Note the use of dramatic language and the comparison of husbands and lapdogs.
(160)	In glittering dust and painted fragments lie! Let wreaths of triumph now my temples twine The victor cried "the glorious Prize is mine! While fish in streams, or birds delight in air, Or in a coach and six the British Fair,	The Baron celebrates his victory with a dramatic speech.
(165)	As long as Atalantis¹³ shall be read, Or the small pillow grace a Lady's bed, While visits shall be paid on solemn days, When numerous wax-lights in bright order blaze, While nymphs take treats, or assignations give,	¹³ a popular periodical known for its thinly veiled references to the scandals of the day
(170)	So long my honour, name, and praise shall live!" What Time would spare, from Steel receives its date, And monuments, like men, submit to fate! Steel could the labour of the Gods destroy, And strike to dust the imperial towers of Troy¹⁴;	¹⁴ the famous Greek city, the site of ancient wars
(175)	Steel could the works of mortal pride confound, And hew triumphal arches to the ground. What wonder then, fair nymph! thy hairs should feel, The conquering force of unresisted steel?

	A Modest Proposal for preventing the children of poor people in Ireland, from being a burden on their parents or country, and for making them beneficial to the publick by Dr. Jonathan Swift
	Swift's most famous satirical essay discusses in a rational, calm, and organized way, a horrific plan to rid the cities of the thousands of "useless" children of the poor. Swift's targets are many: the church, the government, and even economic theory. His main targets, however, are the absentee landlords who take advantage of the poor and leave them living in crowded, filthy, housing.
	It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great town¹, or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads and cabin-doors crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags, and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants who, as they grow up, either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the Pretender in Spain², or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.		¹ Dublin ² James Francis Edward Stuart, the son of James II claimed the throne of England, from which he was barred after the Glorious Revolution. Catholic Ireland was loyal to him, and many Irishmen joined him in exile.
	I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these children sound and useful members of the common-wealth, would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
	But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age, who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them, as those who demand our charity in the streets.		Swift hints at his plan, but does not reveal it. This builds suspense.
	As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years, upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors³, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, a child just dropt from its dam, may be supported by her milk, for a solar year, with little other nourishment: at most not above the value of two shillings, which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a charge upon their parents, or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing of many thousands.		³ other schemers
	There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children⁴, alas too frequent among us, sacrificing the poor innocent babes, I doubt, more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.		⁴The irony of this statement is that Swift's proposal is nothing less than cold-blooded mass murder.
	The number of souls in this kingdom⁵ being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couple, who are able to maintain their own children, (although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom) but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand, for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remain an hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, How this number shall be reared, and provided for? which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses, (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing till they arrive at six years old; except where they are of towardly parts⁶; although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier; during which time they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers; as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me, that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.		⁵ Ireland Swift pokes fun at the work of the day's economists, whose equations calculated the greatest societal benefit and turned people into numbers and statistics. ⁶ promising abilities
	I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old, is no saleable commodity, and even when they come to this age, they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half a crown at most, on the Exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value.
	I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
	I have been assured by a very knowing American⁷ of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout⁸.		⁷ This is a quick dig at Americans, who were often considered uncivilized by the British. ⁸ meat stew
	I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the hundred and twenty thousand children, already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle, or swine, and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore, one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in sale to the persons of quality and fortune, through the kingdom, always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump, and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.		Note the calm, cool manner in which Swift describes his horrific proposal.
	I have reckoned upon a medium, that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, encreaseth to 28 pounds.
	I grant this food will be somewhat dear⁹, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children. Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of Popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom, and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of Papists among us....		⁹expensive Swift hints at his primary target: landlords.
	I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.		Swift's style in the next six paragraphs mocks the overly rational, calculating tone of economic scholars.
	For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of Papists, with whom we are yearly over-run, being the principal breeders of the nation, as well as our most dangerous enemies, and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender¹⁰, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an Episcopal curate¹².		¹⁰ again, James Francis Edward Stuart ¹² In addition to the Catholics, Ireland had many Protestant sects that did not support the Episcopal (or Anglican) Church of Ireland.
	Secondly, the poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, which by law may be made liable to a distress¹³, and help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money a thing unknown.		¹³ the legal act of seizing property in payment of debts
	Thirdly, whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old and upwards, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased fifty thousand pounds per annum, besides the profit of a new dish, introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom, who have any refinement in taste. And the money will circulate among our selves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture.
	Fourthly, the constant breeders, besides the gain of eight shillings sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.
	Fifthly, this food would likewise bring great custom to taverns, where the vintners¹⁴ will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best recipes for dressing it to perfection; and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating; and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.		¹⁴ wine merchants
	Sixthly, this would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by rewards, or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of mothers towards their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort by the publick, to their annual profit instead of expense. We should soon see an honest emulation among the married women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market. Men would become as fond of their wives, during the time of their pregnancy, as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, or sow when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage....		Swift suggests that his proposal would make husbands treat their wives better (at least as well as they treat their farm animals) because their wives would be pregnant with a future paycheck.
	I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and 'twas indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one individual Kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth.
	Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound: Of using neither clothes, nor household furniture, except what is of our own growth and manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the materials and instruments that promote foreign luxury: Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women: Of introducing a vein of parsimony, prudence and temperance: Of learning to love our country, wherein we differ even from Laplanders, and the inhabitants of Topinamboo¹⁵: Of quitting our animosities and factions, nor acting any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one another at the very moment their city was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our country and consciences for nothing: Of teaching landlords to have at least one degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shop-keepers, who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.		In this paragraph, Swift lists his own previous proposals for dealing with the problem of absentee landlords and the suffering of the poor. His other pamphlets and essays on the subject had been ignored. ¹⁵ Swift is claiming that the British do not value their country and their countrymen, whereas even the Laplanders love their frozen country, just as the people of Brazil (in which Topinamboo is a district) love theirs.
	Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, 'till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice....
	After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand, how they will be able to find food and raiment for a hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly, There being a round million of creatures in humane figure throughout this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock, would leave them in debt two million of pounds sterling, adding those who are beggars by profession, to the bulk of farmers, cottagers and labourers, with their wives and children, who are beggars in effect. I desire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold to attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these mortals, whether they would not at this day think it a great happiness to have been sold for food at a year old, in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes, as they have since gone through, by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like, or greater miseries, upon their breed for ever.		Here, Swift gets into the meat of his serious argument.
	I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing.